The Real Reason for American Obesity

Due to my new lifestyle change as a lawyer cum rapper (tee hee) - I felt compelled to visit New York one of the Meccas of rap. I'm more of a West side rapper so I would have preferred to go to the much warmer Mecca of LA but there wasn't an all-inclusive bus trip heading there from my school this past weekend so rappers can't be choosers. Actually the trip was organized by the Chabad House on my campus. For those not in the know, Chabad is a sect of orthodox Judaism who love to party and bring disenfranchised young Jews back into the fold. I've described them to my Christian friends as kind of like Southern Baptists (in their rapturous and tuneful approach to religion) with a hint of missionary (in that they drive around in vans trying to find secular Jews and make do religious stuff). The core of this trip was to spend the Sabbath in Crown Heights, the Brooklyn neighborhood that is a Mecca to the Chabad Jews. Since it's against the law to conduct business on the Sabbath, the neighborhood stores all shut down from Friday evening until Saturday night while everyone is "gettin' their Jew on." The neighborhood is surrounded by primarily black neighborhoods and there were some nasty race riots in the 80's when a Jewish guy ran over a Black kid. Man I should write a rap song about that... The first stop on the trip was to the grave of the Lubavitcher Rebbe, the head honcho of this posse. For centuries, dating back to Eastern Europe, the Chabad Jews always followed a Patriarchal Rabbi in a display of human iconism unseen in the Jewish world since a certain young Jewish man walked on water, and then turned it into wine... and then he sealed himself in a block of ice for 3 days. Yeah David Blaine is pretty fucking sweet. Anyway, the custom at the grave is to say a psalm in front of the tomb and place a written prayer in front of it. I added my own custom of taking a swig of Manishevitz and then pouring the rest on to the tomb for "my fallen' homey". We had to leave pretty quickly.


"Thanks for the Maneshevitz my son. I bless you and your offspring for eternity."

I stayed with 3 other students at a neighborhood family's house. They were hella hospitable. They had about 20 guests at the table that evening for dinner and told us that it's like that every week at their place! Along with a small pub's supply of hard alcohol on the table, they also had this stuff called Everclear on the table. 95% alcohol. I had a quarter of a shot and was flying for the rest of the evening. I was just happy I didn't go blind. Also I don't think I need to get my tonsils removed anymore. - I checked this morning and they're gone. That's good stuff.


Keep away from open flame. Beeotch.

I went to the Met with my friend Jennay (a real live New Yorker!) on Sunday. Even though their modern galleries are more impressive than their Renaissance collection, I dragged her through the latter because that's the only kind of art that I know enough to talk about with out sounding like a pompous asshole. Not that that stopped me!!

No I didn't see the School of Athens in New York. But you'd probably believe me if I said I did. You artless philistines...

After that I went to see The Producers on Broadway. Funny stuff. I just have to remember not to hum "Springtime for Hitler" around my Holocaust survivor grandmother. Or the flamboyant number "Make it Gay" around anyone. It starred the dude who was in Spin City and Mad About You. Let's just say I was starstruck. All things considered, the highlight of the trip happened on the bus-trip back to Canada. We stopped at a truck stop with a sumptuous convenience store full of American candy. I stumbled upon one product that mesmerized me. I literally stared at it for five minutes - just gaping. The product was called Overloads and it was basically peanut butter cups with toppings - like a pizza! One of the selections had different kinds of candy on top (like Smarties, Butterfinger and Crunch) and the other had a full Oreo and Chocolate Chip Cookie on it. 173 Calories per cup!! I believed that I had stumbled upon the reason for American obesity... but then I walked past the Krispy Kreme and McDonald's counters. "Oh yeah..." Rather than ingest such a Weapon of Mass Deliciousness myself, I brought them home for Drew & O. Hopefully they will rate these revolutionary candies for us once they have fully assessed them.


I knew if I didn't bring some back with me no-one would ever believe me.

Now it's back to the grind, and I have to catch up on work. My rap song is due next Friday. I'll publish it here when it's done.


Did I mention that I grew a sexy beard? Sorry ladies. I'm taken.