How to Get Rich at Your Next Family Reunion

Today in Property class we learned about the law of intestate. That's basically what happens to someone's estate if they die without a will. Unlike what the home will kit commercials would have you think the money doesn't automatically go to the state. Nope. There's a whole lineup of relatives who are all waiting for you to croak who will be given shares of your worldly possesions proportional to the closeness of their relationship to you. Or at least they'll get a share of what's left over after paying off all your debts, mortgages, funeral costs and of course LAWYERS! Woo hoo!

But that got me thinking about an amazing get rich quick scheme that any of you can do if you just have a gullable family, a couple of weapon grade explosives and a sociopathic personality. Now take careful notes:

(Disclaimer: The writer of this blog in no way, shape, or form actually reccomends or condones the following actions. The following should be read only by mature adults who can appreciate crude satire and have never joined a cult, imitated what they heard in heavy metal music or bought stuff off of late night tv commercials. It's a joke. A horrible tasteless "You-have-cancer--Just-kidding" type of joke.)

Step 1. Organize a family reunion that all your rich relatives are going to attend with all of their offspring, ancestors, spouses, siblings, cousins, nephews, nieces, and don't forget the inlaws and common laws. How are you going to get such good attendance at a lame family reunion? Open Bar!

Step 2. Have everyone bring a sole copy of their wills to the party and collect them all for a fun "guessing game" to be played after dessert.

Step 3. Set up preferred method of family disposal such as carbon monoxide leak, arsenic in the punch bowl, plastic explosives, or (my personal favorite) rabid ebola monkey) and step out for a smoke (Crack: to dull those annoying pangs of remorse).

Step 4. Make a big bonfire out of the wills you collected, any evidence linking the "accident" back to you and of course any survivors. Make sure that you are the closest surviving next of kin to all the deceased who without a will and testament are now INTESTATE! (THAT'S OUR WORD OF THE DAY!)

Step 5. Contact an estate lawyer and amass the collected fortunes of several generations of suckers. Contact a criminal defence lawyer while you're at it - a damn good one. Maybe a few. Ok you're going to need Jonny Cochrane.

And that's what I learned in law school today. Tommorow's class is in Legal Ethics. OH BOY!


After burning down his entire family tree, a sobbing Billy told the court that a Marilyn Manson song told him to do it. He was acquitted of the 93 counts of murder and became the poster child for Christian Republicans Against Practically Everything.