Contest #1, Canadian Content, and Catty Comments

There are no new ideas. Obviously everything new is just a revisitation of something old, but with more B-list celebrities, product placement, cleavage and possibly a midget for extra ratings. But I'm not about to start talking about the last time I tried to write the Great Canadian novel. No, that dream is long gone and made into a cheap Canadian reality TV show starring Rita MacNeill, Mark McKinney (that "I'm crushing your heads!" guy on "Kids in the Hall") and a whole bunch of bored, NHL players who are so underpaid they couldn't afford to go golfing in Tampa this winter. Don't ask me what it's about - I gave up creative control once they started going all Canadian Content on me and said that the Gay, Francophone, First Nations, ex-Peace-Keeper host of the show was going back to his reserve in Northern Quebec to marry his boyfriend. As if I'd attach my name to something that glorifies THAT sort of lifestyle - I HATE the French!


So Gay Francophone wedding is quality prime time viewing but somehow my Midget/Pornstar wedding idea "offends Canadian sensibilities?" Fuck you, The New PL!

Anyway, so I'm running the risk of becoming really derivative, because today's blog entry is about my weird roommate. Yes I know - everyone has a blog about their weird roommate. - treating all the hapless strangers and acquaintances who frequent their blogs to the horrors of dirty dishes, skidmarked underwear left on the couch and freaky sex noises eavesdropped through paper-thin walls. ("What do you mean you're charging me extra for the condom?") Yes and everyone claims that their roommate is so exceptionally stupid/messy/self-absorbed/smelly/skanky/Mormon that they can fill an entire blog with the daily exploits of that freak they keep around because they're too poor or insecure to live alone. Oh well I guess that describes my situation perfectly. Here is the first in a series of stories about my roommate who I shall call "Balki" after everyone's favorite weird roommate of the 1980's show. Pseudonym is also necessary so that he doesn't discover this blog when the next time he googles his name which I'm sure he does frequently. Hell nothing to be ashamed of - we all do it. (My own google search yielded a Japanese bakery and a country western duo.)

Anyway, I'm going to have to back catalogue my Balki stories in future entries but any story about him needs a bit of background. Which I shall put into point form ( I tried to put this into verse too but nothing rhymes with "chronic masturbation"):

1. He's in his mid-30's.
2. He's a computer programmer/engineer.
3. 99.99999% sure he's a virgin. (See point 2).
4. He's insanely cheap (there are many amazing and amusing stories to be told on this subject) which really sucks because his Dad owns the house which basically makes him like the landlord.

Anyway so Balki doesn't have a car and yet he charges my other roommate "Larry" (keeping with the Perfect Strangers theme) $40 a month to park his car in the driveway which Larry often uses to give Balki rides to the supermarket, etc.

Enter the Snowman. We live in London, ON. where it snows every fucking day so there's always snow in the driveway. Larry drives an SUV so usually this isn't a problem because he can always 4X4 his way over the heap. Today however, Larry had to drive a minivan instead of the SUV and came back from a weekend in Toronto to find an impenetrable tower of snow blocking the driveway. Now Larry argues that since he is paying a monthly rental fee for the driveway to Balki, Balki should be responsible for keeping the driveway clear. Balki no surprisingly would not spring for a plow guy (There was at least 3 hours worth of shovelling in that driveway.) I side with Larry entirely and egged him on to be more of an asshole because he was being too nice to Balki.

What do you think readers? Do you think that collecting rent for a driveway unused by the landlord should compel him to shovel the driveway? Or is that completely unreasonable when you live in Snowtucky, ON?

And since that's a kind of boring opinion poll here are two more you can answer:
1) Come up with a funny name for my reality TV show. Remember the details:

• Cast includes: Rita MacNeill, Mark McKinney, unemployed hockey players.
• Host is genetically infused with Canadian Content by the Heritage Ministry (francophone, peace-keeper, First Nations, gay marriage.)
• Feel free to add extra details.

2) Which of the Mr. Men or Little Miss girls (e.g. Mr. Messy, Little Miss Shy) from those books that we all loved and cherished as children... would be the best in bed, and why?
If you need a click here .


No. You may not use Mr. Pimp.


You also may not use Mr. T.

Best answer gets an awesome prize! (Awesomeness subject to change at discretion of contest master.)