R & D Interns and Metawhores

Every year the great scientific and engineering minds of our day are set to work by their R & D taskmasters to spiff up and redevelop the same boring old products. The corporations discover tight little gaps in their respective markets and they race to ejaculate their slightly improved new products into them before the next corporation. I believe this is called the "No Sloppy Seconds" motive among economists.

Take this typical exchange that took place last year over at Motorola:

Head of Marketing: "Our focus groups tell us that cell phone users aren't nearly annoying enough to the people around them."
Head of R & D: "Well how's this? We'll build low quality video cameras and the ring tone of 'I am too Sexy' by Right Said Fred into the new models so that users can make their own music videos... ALL THE TIME!"
Intern: "Hey and we could also use the inexpensive technology that we've had for years to improve reception and reduce radiation so people don't get head cancer!"
R & D Guy: " What was that kid? You're making a coffee run? I'll have a tall vanilla latte and a spinach croisant."
Intern: "But..."
Marketing Guy: "Grande Chai, and it better be hot kid. Portable music video studios. Fuck! Those commercials will write themselves! Genius!"



Disgraced in front of his co-workers for the last time, he retired home in shame. Yes, hari-kiri was all that was left for Steve now. Thus is the life of an R & D intern.

Yes it is a sad time for the creative spirit. Necessity was once the mother of Invention. But then Greed smacked that bitch up, dressed her in a short leopard print skirt and pimped her out as Frivolity until she had to sell Invention into slavery for some crack. Yeah it's a sad sad time for invention... but it is a particularly fruitful time for prostitution themed parables or "metawhores".

Generation after generation of bright eyed optimists and glazy eyed science fiction nerds have seen their dreams of Vernian Time Machines, Jetsonian Flying Cars and Richie Rich-ian Robot Sex Maids (Richie was just dying to hit puberty so that he could give Irona a badly needed oil change). And all they saw was the independent inventive spirit imprisoned in cubicles and labs to put more airbags into cars and synthesize insulin in milk (What? Lab worker salaries are too high so you're going to bring in cows to replace them?). Goodyear brought in a design team to model their snow tires on Thomas Edison when he started spinning in his grave.

But it's not all bad news. At least some people in remote corners of the economy are still inventing really original products that can make us even the most disillusioned of us say "Wow! That is Fucking Sweet!" I just read recently that a chef named Homaro Cantu (seriously) based in Chicago, modified an old bubble jet printer, filled the ink wells with organic food based "inks" that can be combined to create any flavour. These are printed out onto edible soy-based paper which he has used to produce edible menus. Although the inventor is not revealing his design secrets (someone is sure to steal them before you can say "patent pending") he sees future applications of his device for edible advertising. Like imagine a Pizza Pizza ad that you can rip out of the magazine and it actually tastes like stale cardboard - just like real Pizza Pizza!!! But think about the other applications: those pieces of edible paper could potentially be folded into hats and airplanes and little ninja throwing stars. And we needn't stop at edible printouts. How about scanners that also make grilled cheese sandwiches? USB blowup dolls for internet porn enthusiasts? Companies stop wasting your time with AI applications and Hydrogen Fuel Cells. It's time for some really original inventions with really useful applications. We have the technology to create smart-alecky robot side-kicks to befriend all the lonely misfit children in the whole world, so what are we waiting for? Stop researching and developing and start inventing again eggheads. It is a brave new world indeed.


You don't need to be alone now with those new fangled robot friends. They can do anything!
Sigh... yes... they'll do that too...