Escape from Tent City

Exam time. It's like I have multiple personality disorder - one of my personalities is an insomniac and the other is a narcaleptic. Unfortunately the former only surfaces when I'm unproductive and the latter kicks in when I'm finally getting my study on.

I really should not be even writing blogs this week so here is one from the vaults. I wrote this as an article in The Gargoyle - a really liberal U of T paper that was so bawdy and uncensored that they got in huge trouble last year when one of the editors made a misconstrued Anti-semitic comment. He was trying to be ironic. Hillel went apeshit on his ass and the administration shut down the paper for the first time since it's inception.

This paper was largely a rag where losers would rant about how bad residence food is or how they couldn't get laid. The usual crap - every university had an equivilent I'm sure. It was also the main forum for pseudo-artistic stuff with controversial messages that the other papers wouldn't print. I wrote this article right after Home Depot kicked all the homeless people off of the parcel of land they owned that had become a little shanty town known at Tent City. I spun the whole thing into a satire on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. I was P.R. person for Hillel at the time so I wrote it under a pseudonym - Richard Nixon. That doesn't really have any significance at all - I just couldn't think of anything wittier than that. Anyway here it is:

Escape from Tent City

It has only been two months since the Municipal/Home Depot sponsored Tent City Eviction and the face of Toronto has been forever changed. Oh to return to those innocent days before the conflict, when life still made sense. A time when we could clearly distinguish the heroes from the villains and when we felt safe letting our loved ones go shopping at major outlet stores. But the peaceful streets of Toronto the Good have been transformed into an urban battleground by the grim spectre and aftermath of September 24^th.

These are confusing times, with so many different voices trying to make sense out of the madness, so here is a brief history of the conflict for the uninformed and the perplexed. The trigger event in most opinions is the eviction of the community of homeless people inhabiting the region known as Tent City. This land, near the city’s port, is owned by Home Depot Canada, a large chain of hardware superstores. The company allowed the burgeoning commune to grow for the last few years and even supplied building materials for the shanties within. But all that changed on that fateful morning of September 24^th when the board of Home Depot decided that the living conditions within were deplorable. They deployed an army of bulldozers and HD’s private security forces, leveling many of the shelters and forcing the residents out. The story made the front pages of most city papers but little was made of it beyond the pictures of disheveled and dirty-looking Tent Citians being led off by uniformed officials. Disturbing images.

Ironically enough, all the materials this former Tent City resident used to create his witty sign were from Home Depot.

But no one could have foreseen the carnage that was unleashed less than two weeks later. It was on the otherwise peaceful afternoon of October 10^th, at 4:20 PM, that the proverbial shit hit the industrial ceiling fan. At that time in five store locations, a coordinated attack utterly destroyed the house paint displays of the respective stores. “I’ve never seen so much good paint wasted… just for nothing,” an emotional HD employee recalled. “There were rollers and brushes everywhere. These people are barbarians.” Soon after, a controversial group known as the Tentcity Liberation Corps (TLC) claimed responsibility for the attacks. The Home Depot responded swiftly the next day by destroying more shanties, and cutting off the supply of canned meat many of the residents depend on for survival. In the ensuing weeks the tit-for-tat violence reached a fevered pitch: Several other organizations joined TLC in their onslaught against the HD empire, badgering shoppers for change outside the stores, stealing shopping carts and defecating in parked delivery trucks. The Home Depot board responded with an aggressive building campaign, developing the western region of Tent City for a new store location. “They can’t just build on our land,” declares Bob, a native of Tent City, as he patriotically points out significant landmarks. “That’s the place where Dougie’s tuque caught on fire while he was trying to spark a joint! I’ll never forget that.” Clearly with such strong cultural ties to their little piece of the world the Tent Citians will not soon surrender to the forces of the Home Depot Territorial Vacators (HDTV.) However Home Depot officials cite their own claims to the land. “Well we kinda own it, you see,” Home Depot spokesman Robert Hammersmith remonstrates. “We offered them 95% of the disputed area and 30% off their next yard tool purchase, but some people just don’t know a good bargain when they see it.”

This deal, the Mama’s Pizza Accords, (one of a series of proposed partition plans,) took place in early November as HD President “Handy” Harry Kapp met with the flamboyant Tent City Council Chairman, “King” Jimbo to discuss a possible resolution. The Mama’s Pizza proposal improved greatly on the earlier Country Style Agreement, with Home Depot making greater land concessions, more substantial savings on useful tools and several cases of vodka into the bargain as a gesture of good will. Negotiations fell through when one of the cases was prematurely opened and an inebriated Jimbo suggested that the Home Depot representatives could “take [their] deal and shove it up [their] pissholes.” Renewed violence followed in the wake of the Mama’s Pizza failure as experts scramble to draft a new mutually acceptable agreement to get the two sides back to the negotiation table. In the meantime Home Depot has installed retinal scanning security devices in all its locations and “King” Jimbo has used Home Depot relief funds and a bunch of refrigerator boxes to build himself a lavish cardboard palace in the heart of Tent City.

The most recent picture of TLC leader "King" Jimbo... Wait a minute! Isn't that...

The effects of the conflict are even beginning to be felt outside of the region as activists are adopting the opposing causes. At a recent rally at York University organized by the Socialist Club, students and homeless Tent City refugees came together to protest against the Home Depot invasion. Holding signs with such slogans as: “Home Depot? More like Home Despot!” and burning Home Depot and American flags. When asked why American flags were set alight York Socialist Comrade Mike “Trotsky” Lowenstein responded: “The Home Depot aggression is clearly due to the manipulation of the corporation worshipping, capitalist government of the United States. Are you to blind to the way they’ve made the Tent Citians into pawns of their sick little power game? Or have they gotten to you too?!?” After a few rousing rounds of “George Dubya is a terrorist!” the socialist students headed for their parent's SUVs, abandoning the garbage cans still full of burning flags which the remaining Tent Citians crowded around for warmth. Meanwhile at University of Toronto, the Ayn Rand inspired Objectivist’s Club has adopted the pro-Home Depot cause with a series of speeches entitled: “Home Depot, the Rightful Owners of Tent City: Worthless Bums as an Obstacle to Growth.”

With no end in sight to the conflict many are hoping that perhaps the third party intervention of City Hall could bring about a resolution. At the ribbon cutting for a new Home Depot location Mayor Mel Lastman acknowledged the company’s undeniable legal claim to the land and then smiled for the cameras. Several hours later at an address to the homeless in Queen’s Park, Lastman called the Home Depot expansion policy an immoral and imperialist business plan. He then smiled for the cameras.

"Who was a more embarrasing mayor than Mel Lastman?" NOOBODY! (Little known fact: I once served Mel Lastman when I worked at Starbucks after he was replaced by David Miller. He ordered a decaf and was really short. I said: "Hey Mel. Keeping busy?" He just muttered something under his breath and didn't tip. Bastard.

The most recent development in the story has had ailing HD President Kapp, leaving the stressful and violent environment of Toronto on the advice of his doctors. Apparently the taxing circumstances of the conflict were taking their physical and mental toll on the aging CEO and he is now seeking a new home where he can find serenity and a comparatively civil social climate where, as he put it: “people know how to share and you don’t need to worry when the next attack will come.” Sources report that the Kapp family is adjusting well to their new life in Ramallah.

The Sandwich of my Dreams

So just a quick post because I have a test tommorow. I've already procrastinated enough by hosting a poker game (lost $30) and writing random emails. My Criminal prof said: "If you're playing poker there's always one 'mark' at the table who's going to lose all his money. If you can't spot him it's probably you." Tonight it was me.

So Balki update - I am in an 8 month lease at Balki's place which is sweet because I get the hell out of London as soon as I'm done school. As for all my furniture - Balki and his Dad (the absentee landlord who owns the place and who in my opinion has doomed his son to a lifetime of servitude as his no-commission property manager - more on that later) have said that they will charge me half rent for every month I leave my stuff there. Seems like a good deal at first but I found a storage place in town that will store it for about $500 less for the summer (now if you're really good at math you can figure out how much rent I pay... no wait you can't unless I tell you that the storage for four months costs $275. There you go - simple algebra.)

Anyway when Balki got wind of my subversive plan to not pay him $500 - he immediately told me that his dad is considering making a "comparable offer." Yeah. "Considering." They will obviously make the offer so that they can get $275 for that unused room. These guys are so tight they'd let me keep a rusted cage of ebola monkeys in the room for another $50. Can't wait to use all the fun tricks I learned in Contracts class to make the deal even better.

Also during my poker game I got a call from my employer from last summer. That's right folks you are reading the writings of a real life truck driver for 1-800-GOT-JUNK.
Oh please.
No stop applauding.
You're very kind.
No Miss, I'm very flattered but I have a girlfriend.
You'll do what?
No, I'm sorry I just couldn't.
Yes, another summer of hauling rich people's old couches away and cutting off every car on the road that is smaller than mine. Take that Lincoln Navigator! Not so tough now are you?



One more thing, I missed my alarm clock this morning and my roommate Larry cruelly awakened me from the most awesome dream. I dreamt that I was at my friend's wedding (well he's more of an acquaintance - spoken to him maybe once in the last 4 years) and eventhough he's Jewish, this was an Italian wedding. Since I have never been to an Italian wedding, it was basically a stereotypical Italian Mafia wedding. The Sopranos were sitting at the next table. Joe Pesci was yelling at the waiter. And everyone was calling me Mickey Blue Eyes. Don't even ask. I have nothing in common with Hugh Grant except for a weakness for oddly named prostitutes.


"I dare say darling, it would be rather smashing if we invited that intriguing streetwalker into our nuptial bed.""

Anyway, everybody had these amazing sandwiches on their plates, overloaded with spicy meatballs - just lika Mamma used to make. I did not have any sandwiches. I asked everybody where the sandwich table was and when I finally found it and loaded my plate up... Knock Knock. "Are you going to Criminal this morning?" That class sucked. I should have stayed in bed and finished my dinner.


You know Sandwich. I dreamed about you last night. No it wasn't sexual! Fuck, you are such a homophobic asshole. Can't a guy tell another guy that he dreamt about him without you having to make it all weird? You're also full of baloney... Delicious juicy baloney.., succulent meatballs... three strips of turkey bacon... spinach and the plumpest garden tomatoes all smothered in a tangy marinara and served on a lightly toasted multi-grain bun. I just want to put all 8 inches of you in my mouth at once...I mean... no... GODDAMN YOU!

Daniel's Relapse into Physics Nerdity

Just a note on my most recent post entitled "My Cheap Roommate." It turns out that the slow internet was the providers fault. Balki called them and got them to give us an awesome price for the next year. Ooops. Notice I say "oops" but make no apology for the false accusation. Given his track record for cheapness any reasonable person would have jumped to the same conclusion, that he instituted some new money saving scheme and that screwed up the internet. You know how you have a friend who never actually has a job, but always comes up with different money making schemes? Well Balki is kinda like that but he takes the "Penny saved is a Penny earned principle" to new heights. Every flipping day there's a new money saving technique. I feel like Walmart and Welfare had a really ugly child and made him live-in property manager of an otherwise sweet house that I decided to live in. Enough on that for now.


"Jerry! I just figured out how to save money on groceries by giving a liberal interpretation to expiry dates on dairy products." Just another crazy Kramerism? Nope that's just my cheap roommate, verbatim.



So for those of you who don't know I did my undergrad in Physics and English (Most Unique Double Major Ever, thank you very much!). The former part of my completed degree would thus imply that at one time, before I became a slick law type, I was a math/science nerd. That's right - I actually know what e=mc2 means (something about time travel) and I can solve complex problems using a computing program called Maple!


Me (circa 2001) - Before a malfunctioning proton accelarator transformed me into Awesome Man.

That being said, I have used my repressed nerdiness and mathematical prowess to solve one of the most pressing sociological issues of our time: ie, how does one rate menages a trois on a scale of 1 to 10 as a function of the respective rating of the two other participants in the threesome.

(Note: This is a purely theoretical exercise pusuant to a drunken conversation. I have no interest in engaging in a threesome since sex without intimacy is as empty as a tub of Ben and Jerry's in Oprah's dressing room. A Loving Committed relaitionship is way more enjoyable than sexual gratification with multiple partners. Hi Sweetie! )

That being said I think it's high time that the swingers of the world had a comprehensive mathematical model to rate how groovy or lame their orgy experience was. Thus I present to you...

DFlatt's Theory of Threesome Rating -

Variables:
T = Overall Threesome Rating

X = Rating of 1^st Partner (standard 1-10 scale)

Y = Rating of 2^nd Partner (standard (1-10 scale)

Note: 1 being the lowest and 10 being the highest but those extremes are basically unattainable. 1 would mean "so nasty that you go blind," and 10 would be "the sexual equivalent of free basing heroine - if your heart doesn't stop you will think about nothing else for the rest of your life." My girlfriend is a 10. That's also why she doesn't mind when I write perverted manifestos like this.

Z = Average of X and Y = (X + Y)/2

R = Personal Standard of Repulsion Factor (i.e. rating below which you would not fool around with someone even if you were really drunk.)

Equations:

If Z = R: T = Z.

If Z = R: T = Z x log₁₀(Z).

If Z > R: T = Z / log₁₀(Z).

Go ahead plug in some values, using people you know and have rated. Try it out.

Basically the implications of my theory are that everyone has a standard (even if it's really really disturbingly low) below which they will not sleep with someone even if they're smashed on absinthe. Thus, if they engaged in group sex with two partners whose average rating was below that minimum standard we could assume that the experience would be even more traumatizing for them, than if they were forced into bed with one such troll. Par example, imagine having to sleep with Michael Jackson (in his current nose-falling-off incarnation NOT his effeminate yet dreamy Thriller incarnation circa 1982) vs having to sleep with Michael AND that skeleton thing that hosted Tales From the Crypt. As bad as the first option is you'd obviously rate the former encounter as less disturbing.

Faced with this dillemma most people would spontaneously chooose the little known third option of hari-kiri or ritual self-disembowlment.

Then again if you were to have a threesome with two really hot people then you would obviously say that it was a higher rated sexual experience than with just one hot person. For example you somehow managed to coax Halle Berry into bed and then when you called her up to make sure you're still on for tonight, she said that her twin sister (who was also an actress but after mixed reviews off-broadway turned to a career in porn and learned a few useful and acrobatic tricks) also wanted to get freaky. Logically, in this case two would be better than one and you would rate the threesome as a more awesome experience than the initial proposition.

"No Halle. I'd prefer you came alone. I only have room for one voluptous torso in my freezer..." is what the only guy insane enough to turn down this threesome would say.

The theory has a few flaws that have been pointed out by members of the scientific community already - basically drew and his friend Shank in a threeway (hey homoerotic double entendre!) msn conversation. I won't outline them but rather allow you the reader to suggest improvements on the model yourselves. The theory is thus officially published and thus subject to the scrutiny of the scientific community. Tear it apart you bloodthirsty hounds. Do your worst.

My Cheap Roommate (Part 2)

So I haven't posted in a while - this is mainly because I've been lazy and busy but I'm going to blame it on the fact that my penny-pinching roommate/landlord "Balki" (I gave him that pseudonym in a previous post based on the character in Perfect Stranger) , switched us to a different internet provider that will save him valuable pennies every month but renders me unable to log onto websites that have anything more complex on them than basic html. Cheap bastard.


Unfortunately my roommate is not only actually not named "Balki" - he is also not as charming, fun or hillariously foreign as the character portrayed with such expertise by character actor Bronson Pinchot.

While I might have a rather high standard of what is a necessity rather than what is a luxury, my Balki's standard is intolerably and insanely diminished. Sure you might call me a spoiled brat for considering high-speed internet a necessity rather than a luxury - but when the cost and bandwidth is shared by three people I think that charge is not as warranted. Balki however, considers the following to be luxuries:

• Daily Newspaper subscription.
  
• Eating anything more expensive for dinner than root vegetables and soy products. (He's not a vegetarian - when I've offered him my left-over meat or fish he was on it like Oprah on a cheescake.)
• Basic heat during on winter nights. (He has a lightbulb on a timer next to our thermostat which lowers the temperature in the house by about 5 degrees every night and shuts off in the morning. I wake up freezing if my blanket slips off during the night.)
  
• A functional TV. (The house's TV set is from the early 80's, is about 17 inches and has fuzzy reception. Not such a big deal for me but considering that Balki's only recreational past time is watching CBC shows, you'd think he'd spring for a slightly better model. Also I have a theory that he favours the CBC so much because of the rationale that since he's paying tax dollars to support it, he would be wasting that money if he didn't watch the shows. I think this would have to be the rationale for anyone watching the CBC.)
  
• A car. (I could understand not having a car if you lived in an urban centre on a subway line. Balki lives in London however. Our house isn't close to anything except for the university. How do you not have a car in a place with a crappy public transportation system and where it snows every day in the winter?)
  
• Touchtone Dialing. (I shit you not. He's in this phone plan from the 70's from when touchtone dialing was optional. It would cost him 50 cents more per month to have touchtone dialing on the house line. What this means is that every time I want to make a call that involves any sort of voice-mail menu - I have to go through this elaborate sequence of switches and buttons on the phone to give that individual call touchtone dialing capability. Larry did some internet research and discovered that the majority of the developed world has adopted touch tone dialing. Basically touchtone is to pulsedialing what agriculture is to hunting/gathering.)

Now despite the horrific extent of this list (there's more but that would take all day and be overly nit-picky) you might think I'm being too hard on the guy. Maybe he's really in a bad financial situation and can't afford these basic amenities. But consider these factors:

• He's in his mid-30's and has been working full time for about 10 years.
• He lives in his parents house and pays minimal (if any) rent.
• In addition to a his job, he has supplementary income as a computer and bicycle repairman.
• He has no dependents (he doesn't even date).
• I accidentally saw one of his bank statements and he's got considerable cash in his chequing account. (That means he could have way more in savings, bonds, etc.)

What this means is that he's a miser. My brother is obsessed with the Guiness Book of World Records and he always spews facts about record breaking human extremes. He told me about the world's cheapest person and it's a crazy story. I tried going to Guiness' website but they've become so sensationalist since their Fox TV show that they don't even have that piece of trivia anymore - it's been replaced by World's Sluttiest Slut.

The Greatest Miser in History -
"An estate of $95 million was left by the notorious miser Henrietta (Hetty) Howland Green (nee Robinson) 1835-1916). She had a balance of over $31,400,000 in one bank alone. She was so mean that her son had to have his leg amputate because of the delays in finding a free medical clinic. She herself lived off cold oatmeal because she was too mean to heat it, and died of apoplexy in an argument over the virtues of skimmed milk."


You know that lady in front of you in every store checkout who spends an hour counting out all her pennies. Well you shouldn't laugh at her because she's a widow, living on a government pension and her grandchildren never call her. This old bitch on the other hand had over a $100,000,000 in her bank account. Do not pity Hetty Green.

While Balki is not quite there (hindered mainly by the fact that he doesn't have $95 million in his name), he is certainly in the higher percentile range. And I have to live with him. Oh well. At least the rent is cheap.