Here is a selection of Onion-style fake news articles I just submitted to a student newspaper. They are all pretty much the same tone: Satirical pro-Israel Allegories in news form. Enjoy! Holy War in Hollywood –
Burbank, California
Another tragic day of violence in West Hollywood yesterday as tensions flared between the regions’ warring religious factions. A series of explosions rocked a Melrose Avenue Barnes and Noble around 1PM, collapsing the podium where Ashton Kutcher was signing copies of his latest Kabbalist treatise, Dude, Where’s My Commercialized Jewish Mysticism. The bombs, planted in displays of Kutcher’s Kabbalah Water energy drink, killed 3 fans awaiting autographs and a member of the scribe’s security detail. Dozens more were injured but luckily, nobody famous was harmed in the attack. An official statement by representatives of the Church of Scientology saw the group taking responsibility for the attack: “We shall bomb the non-believers in their homes and Hubbard shall curse them with bombs at the box-office. Hubbard is great!” The statement noted further that yesterday’s attack was in retaliation for the disruption of Katie Holmes’ silent birth ceremony last month by a team of Kabbalist operatives. These attacks are the latest in a spiral of hostilities that erupted after a Scientologist attack on the compound of Kabbalist supreme leader Madonna last year, which claimed the lives of five of her adopted third world children. Peace efforts have failed despite the valiant efforts of United Artists special envoy Mel Gibson. To his credit however, Gibson has, after careful research, identified the Jews as the ultimate villains in this conflict after they ended their long occupation of Hollywood and left a power vacuum.
Israeli Wrestler Disciplined for Disproportionate Retaliation
Beirut, Lebanon
The World Wrestling Council’s highest administrative body has voted in favour of condemning Israeli wrestling champion Uri “the Uzi” Goldberg with a smackdown - one of the organization’s most serious punishments in a decision issued yesterday. The punishment effectively amounts to a 2 month suspension and a revocation of various privileges including ringside catering and concierge services. The smackdown was issued to punish Goldberg for “disproportionate retaliation” after he used his signature Aliyah finishing move – a high pressure flying elbow to the head from the corner ropes – on challenger and long time rival Abu “Hizbulldog” Haniyeah. Goldberg finally agreed to a championship match, after months of vicious taunting by Hizbulldog and his posse, the Jihad Jawbreakers, including accusations that the reigning champion stole their wrestling moves and has been illegally occupying their deserved position at the top of the World Wrestling Council. The match began with the Uzi’s traditional attempt at a handshake being thwarted by a bombardment of blows coming from Hizbulldog’s corner in the form of backers Damasskick and the Atomic Ayatollah brandishing metal chairs. The three-pronged assault was facilitated by the referee being knocked out right before the attack began and regaining consciousness during the Uzi’s near-miraculous recovery and reversal of the match. The ref did catch the Uzi’s perfectly executed Aliyah – a class-four aerial assault move as defined by WWC regulations – and disqualified him from the match for “disproportionate retaliation.” Goldberg and his team mate Uncle Slam are the only wrestlers to receive that punishment from a disciplinary body that traditionally turns a blind eye to such excessive violence. The disqualification did not result in a shift of the championship title, but that hasn’t stopped Hizbulldog from gloating about his victory. The Atomic Ayatollah added his comments: “We will continue to kick the asses of Uzi and Uncle Slam and all their friends until all the World Wrestling Council accepts us as their wrestling gods and spreads the word of our greatness through their suplexes and piledrivers. OH YEAH!”
New Middle East Peace Strategy Proposed in House of Commons
Ottawa, Ontario
A controversial new foreign policy proposal was added to the agenda in Parliament yesterday by NDP MPs Ernie Burton (Frozen Elk, Nun.) and Fatima Ismael (Lac du Juif Noyé, Que.) Basically the key element of the proposal would entail adding the government of the State of Israel, its military and all of its charitable and humanitarian organizations to Canada’s list of terrorist organizations. “Basically it’s all about establishing a level playing field to facilitate fair negotiation,” explained Burton in his opening address. “Since all of the parties with whom Israel has been attempting to negotiate peace are already on the list, we believe that listing this Democratic country and its institutions would establish a much needed common ground. Once they share common interests and challenges, resolving issues like ceasefires and refugee claims will be a piece of cake. It’s just like belonging to a social club like the Shriners or the KKK.” Ms Ismael, who addresses Parliament through a translator, emphasized her points with a series of enthusiastic gestures such as the horizontal neck slicing motion that apparently represents a desire for cessation of violence. “Ms Ismael assures the Government of Canada that any reservations they hold about listing a democratic state are purely semantic. After all, other listed parties such as Hamas have become beacons of democracy since being listed by Canada.” Ms Ismael also reassured apprehensive Jewish and Israeli lobby groups that their concerns would be ultimately resolved with this “final solution”. After listening to their submissions, Prime Minister Stephen Harper retired to a private stall with the 240 page proposal for careful consideration. Pundits are divided on the meaning of Harper’s cryptic yet seemingly positive endorsement: “That shwarma plate was too spicy and isn’t sitting too well. This is exactly what we need to clean up that Middle Eastern mess.” which drew amused responses from Conservative MPs. The Prime Minister’s decision is pending later today.
