I haven’t had a chance to write anything new for a while with school being so crazy and all. At special request from a very special fan though, here is a piece I wrote for a Classics course I took last year. It’s an origin myth about Monicagate – one part Ovid’s Metamorphoses, one part the Ken Starr report. Enjoy:
Olympusgate - An American Myth
Sing to me, O Muse, and tell me of the many loves of Zeus the Thunderer, King of Heaven and Illegitimate Father of Thousands. In the last millennium, in that innocent age when Hermes’ Twin Towers of Trade still loomed over New York and mortal men lived in blissful innocence, the Son of Cronus surveyed the peaceful world of mortals he had created and was filled with joy.
He was especially joyous when he espied an ambitious and splendid maiden named Monica. This mortal was of common birth, but had been endowed with powerful charms by the Graces, and trained by Aphrodite to manipulate the most powerful of gods and men with her sexuality. Even mighty Zeus was no match for the power of the Cyprian Goddess who filled him with an irrational and consuming lust for the girl. Unbeknownst to the other Gods of lofty Olympus, and least of all to cow-eyed Hera, his jealous wife and sister, Zeus devised a plan to possess this comely and lascivious girl.
The women and men of that time valued worldly power and wealth as much as in our own age and had forgotten the glory of Olympus, and thus Zeus disguised himself as Clinton, King of America and the most powerful mortal in the world. The Thunderer concealed his great beard and transformed his impenetrable Aegis and powerful thunderbolt into an impressive suit and tie. In this guise, borne in a glorious limousine and accompanied by a motorcade of uniformed guards, he appeared before Monica as she emerged from her college. Zeus offered her an internship in the heavenly court of Olympus if she would sleep with him. Oblivious to the fates of many of Zeus’ previous loves (having dropped her Classics course the previous semester), and thinking only of her career, Monica immediately jumped into the limousine and into Zeus’ heavenly embrace.
Immediately the Thunderer’s train dismissed its earthly appearance. The shiny- helmeted mortal security entourage leapt from their vehicles and was transformed into a glorious flock of bald eagles. For this reason the bald eagle is sacred to the kingdom of America and despite their rarity are ritually hunted and sacrificed to Heston, the god of high powered hunting rifles. The car at the center of the procession, assumed its true form – a golden chariot, which harnessed to the eight largest eagles, whisked the King of Gods and his new consort off to Olympus. Once there, Zeus kept his word and made Monica the intern of his divine offices, sharpening his thunderbolts and fetching him cups of freshly brewed ambrosia.
Ever suspicious, Hera interrogated Zeus about his new intern to which Zeus vowed: “I will not have sexual relations with that mortal.” Satisfied with this divine oath, which she knew to be binding, Hera took her leave to do charity work with inner city children. Zeus returned to work, running the affairs of heaven, until he was visited by the foam-born Aphrodite. “Are you not pleased with this creature, that I have bathed in ambrosia and taught the mysterious Eastern arts of love-making especially for your own enjoyment?” she inquired demurely. “Go forth, you big hunk of Sky-god, and make this mortal the intern of your loins!”
Powerless before the conquering forces of the sex goddess and his own lust, Zeus forgot about his oath and vigorously buzzed his intercom, summoning Monica before him. In a swirl of rose petals and Calvin Klein’s Obsession (provided by Persephone, goddess of the Spring, and Macy, goddess of department stores, respectively) the alluring intern approached Zeus’ desk. Immediately, Zeus transformed his cluttered desk into a god-sized bed and threw the astonished girl onto its surface. He lifted up her skirt and to his shock discovered an impenetrable steel girdle bearing the distinctive craftsmanship of Hephasteus. As a charm, it bore an engraving of the precise wording of his own oath of chastity on its surface. Powerless against his own binding words, Zeus could not break the seal. He cursed Hera and her lame son and stormed around heaven, casting thunderbolts at the earth and piercing the golden Bubble of Dotcom that the God of the Forge had crafted for his mother.
Terrified by this lust-fueled display of rage, Monica sought to appease Zeus’ anger the only way she knew how, satisfying his lust with the comfort of her lips. Monica had been wearing a dress spun on the loom of Gaea herself, woven from the fabrics of the very earth. The seed of the Thunderer now spilled onto this dress, from whose fertile fibres sprang the Attorneys. This fearsome race of men filled the world, plundering its mortal inhabitants of their wealth using the mysterious power of their indecipherable contracts.
The loud babbling of the Attorneys soon filled the ears of Hera, who understood immediately what had happened. Empowered by a recent talk with Oprah, Hera decided that she would make her cheating husband pay for his betrayals and set out to shame him before the court of Olympus and indeed the mortals of Earth. To do this, Hera enlisted the indestructible and multiplying army of Attorneys and ordered them to destroy her husband’s good name. Under the guise of filial love, the devious Attorneys tricked their unwitting mother Monica into a confession of her affair, which they tape-recorded. They compiled an elaborate report, which they delivered to the heavenly messengers Hermes and Iris who broadcast the affair through their respective media outlets. And thus the monster named Scandal was created from the combined voices of the Attorneys, gods and men who spoke of Zeus’ shame. Scandal was a clamoring beast with a thousand mouths whose jagged teeth could cut through mountains and whose scream was deadly to hear. The fiend approached the base of Olympus and goaded Zeus down to meet his destruction.
Zeus sent down his executive assistants, Apathy and Ruse to cover the land and divert the negative attention of the Attorneys, the media and the mortals away from his tryst. The pair succeeded in trapping Scandal in the dark realm of Tartarus known as Reality Television, where he fed continuously on the shames of lesser men. Rejoicing at his salvation, Zeus blessed the land of America with great prosperity and military success.
With order thus restored to the realms of men and gods, Zeus concluded the affair by casting Monica from Olympus into the accursed realm of Reality TV. There she was handed a rose and thus chosen as Scandal’s bride out of a selection of one hundred willing bachelorettes.
"Gasp! Zeus! Hide your shame!"
