News Bites Redux

Here is another entry of my right-wing Onion style fake news entries News Bites to be published in the next issue of Afterword magazine. The politics in this one are at least partially inspired by Mark Steyn's America Alone - a really compelling nationalist rant by the widely syndicated columnist. Here's my latest dollop of thinly masked satire for your enjoyment:

French Preschooler Expelled for Cultural Insensitivity

(Lyon, France)

A six year old Lyon boy was expelled from the public preschool Académie d’Appésement earlier this week for displaying “cultural insensitivity” to his fellow classmates. The incident in question concerned a picture drawn by student Bertrand Lagauche, in Mme Angelique’s cours préparatoire (the equivalent of first grade) class. The assignment requested that students draw and label a picture of themselves and their friends playing a favourite game. When Mme Angelique Lalonde received Bertrand’s assignment she was horrified to find that the two figures playing “le football” were labeled “Moi” and “Muhammed.” It is forbidden in the Muslim faith to produce a visual representation of the Prophet, as the class learned the previous month during a session called “Ooh La La, Allah.” During this French installment of an EU mandated cultural education program to teach school children to respect the customs of their Muslim classmates, teachers and female students were excused from class while classes were taught by local Imams.

Although Lalonde attempted to contain the incident within the usual school disciplinary channels, new EU disclosure policies brought the problem to the children and their parents. Concerned parents organized an animated protest together with local youth groups to raise awareness of the problems in the educations system. The marchers held banners reading “Les enfants son l’avenir” and “La mort à l'entité Sioniste et au Grand Satan.” French officials ensured that the marchers remained undisturbed by Nationalist counter-protestors, diverting their procession after several synagogues along the route burst into flames due to apparently faulty electrical wiring. The protest caught the attention of “l'Association du Parent” who demanded that the child be expelled and reassigned to the Al Saud Madrassa de Reversion, a successful new reform school entirely funded by anonymous private donations. The school board blamed the boy’s parents Phillipe and Marie Lagauche for their son’s disrespectful behaviour, recommending to authorities that they be tried under new EU hate crime laws. The pair awaits trial in the European Court of Justice.

The parents of Bertrand’s closest friend Muhammed al-Assa were visibly shaken by the incident. “The child seemed so pleasant and well behaved – we never dreamed that he was an Islamophobe. We can only blame his parents for repeating the racist, nationalist, anti-immigration rhetoric he probably hears at home on a regular basis. We cannot tolerate this kind of extremism in our schools.”

Iranian President Tries his Hand at Fiction

(Tehran, Iran)

A new fictional novel by Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has shot to the top of best-seller lists across the Muslim world, and Persian educators are scrambling to secure copies of the new literary core of their grade school curricula. Inspired by If I Did It the controversial first novel of his friend and golfing partner OJ Simpson, Ahmadinejad’s If It Happened explores and expands the genre of Speculative Fiction or Spec-Fic. While the falsely accused former-NFL running back Simpson’s book detailed an alternative reality in which he did in fact murder his ex-wife and her lover, President Ahmadinejad’s novel revisits the myth of the Holocaust. Set in the not too distant future, the fantastic tale explores an alternate version of the traditional version where the young German hero “Adi”, a failed artist, embraces Wahabism and deploys suicide bombers and nuclear warheads to bully decadent infidel European leaders into submission and free the people of Palestine and the world of the Jews once and for all. The author stirred the audience at his book launch/Holocaust denial conference in Dec 2006. Despite his detractors, the critical response has been overwhelmingly favourable. Among some of the notable endorsements, David Duke found it “inspiring” and Ernst Zundel called it “a real page turner.” Even Jewish readers are embracing the book as Rabbi Yankel Boged of the Neturei Karta movement called it “the most important work since (our literal and fundamentalist interpretation of) the Torah.”

Originally written in his native Farsi, Ahmadinejad’s book is also set to break records as the most popular translated work in Arabic speaking countries. It has already surpassed sales of Mein Kampf and lags slightly behind Protocols of the Elders of Zion, staples of many countries’ Philosophy and History curricula respectively. The bestseller is flying off of bookshelves faster than local printers can restock them. “We’re not equipped for this kind of demand for a new book,” said Tariq Nidal, CEO of leading Gaza printing house Sword of Allah Publications. “Aside from printing replacement Quarans for those destroyed in bull-dozed houses, we usually just use our bin Guterman press as an excuse to buy large quantities of high-velocity ball bearings for our other projects.” Far from a local phenomenon, the book is catching on in a number of Western book clubs as well and Hollywood buzz is that American director Mel Gibson is “very interested” in acquiring the film rights to the best-seller. Although the Academy Award winner’s previous blockbuster Passion of the Christ was banned from Iranian cinemas several years ago, Gibson and Ahmadinejad remain close friends. “Mah and I have been trying to collaborate on something like this for a while but it’s been tough to find common creative ground until now,” Gibson told Good Morning Iran audiences last week. Gibson has learned his lesson after narrowly skirted condemnation for a public anti-Semitic tirade by revealing that he was drunk at the time. He has assured his concerned Hollywood executives that if necessary he will remain inebriated for as long as it takes to bring his latest violent anti-Semitic tirade into world-wide release next fall.

News Bites

Here is a selection of Onion-style fake news articles I just submitted to a student newspaper. They are all pretty much the same tone: Satirical pro-Israel Allegories in news form. Enjoy!

Holy War in Hollywood –

Burbank, California

Another tragic day of violence in West Hollywood yesterday as tensions flared between the regions’ warring religious factions. A series of explosions rocked a Melrose Avenue Barnes and Noble around 1PM, collapsing the podium where Ashton Kutcher was signing copies of his latest Kabbalist treatise, Dude, Where’s My Commercialized Jewish Mysticism. The bombs, planted in displays of Kutcher’s Kabbalah Water energy drink, killed 3 fans awaiting autographs and a member of the scribe’s security detail. Dozens more were injured but luckily, nobody famous was harmed in the attack. An official statement by representatives of the Church of Scientology saw the group taking responsibility for the attack: “We shall bomb the non-believers in their homes and Hubbard shall curse them with bombs at the box-office. Hubbard is great!” The statement noted further that yesterday’s attack was in retaliation for the disruption of Katie Holmes’ silent birth ceremony last month by a team of Kabbalist operatives. These attacks are the latest in a spiral of hostilities that erupted after a Scientologist attack on the compound of Kabbalist supreme leader Madonna last year, which claimed the lives of five of her adopted third world children. Peace efforts have failed despite the valiant efforts of United Artists special envoy Mel Gibson. To his credit however, Gibson has, after careful research, identified the Jews as the ultimate villains in this conflict after they ended their long occupation of Hollywood and left a power vacuum.

Israeli Wrestler Disciplined for Disproportionate Retaliation

Beirut, Lebanon

The World Wrestling Council’s highest administrative body has voted in favour of condemning Israeli wrestling champion Uri “the Uzi” Goldberg with a smackdown - one of the organization’s most serious punishments in a decision issued yesterday. The punishment effectively amounts to a 2 month suspension and a revocation of various privileges including ringside catering and concierge services. The smackdown was issued to punish Goldberg for “disproportionate retaliation” after he used his signature Aliyah finishing move – a high pressure flying elbow to the head from the corner ropes – on challenger and long time rival Abu “Hizbulldog” Haniyeah. Goldberg finally agreed to a championship match, after months of vicious taunting by Hizbulldog and his posse, the Jihad Jawbreakers, including accusations that the reigning champion stole their wrestling moves and has been illegally occupying their deserved position at the top of the World Wrestling Council. The match began with the Uzi’s traditional attempt at a handshake being thwarted by a bombardment of blows coming from Hizbulldog’s corner in the form of backers Damasskick and the Atomic Ayatollah brandishing metal chairs. The three-pronged assault was facilitated by the referee being knocked out right before the attack began and regaining consciousness during the Uzi’s near-miraculous recovery and reversal of the match. The ref did catch the Uzi’s perfectly executed Aliyah – a class-four aerial assault move as defined by WWC regulations – and disqualified him from the match for “disproportionate retaliation.” Goldberg and his team mate Uncle Slam are the only wrestlers to receive that punishment from a disciplinary body that traditionally turns a blind eye to such excessive violence. The disqualification did not result in a shift of the championship title, but that hasn’t stopped Hizbulldog from gloating about his victory. The Atomic Ayatollah added his comments: “We will continue to kick the asses of Uzi and Uncle Slam and all their friends until all the World Wrestling Council accepts us as their wrestling gods and spreads the word of our greatness through their suplexes and piledrivers. OH YEAH!”

New Middle East Peace Strategy Proposed in House of Commons

Ottawa, Ontario

A controversial new foreign policy proposal was added to the agenda in Parliament yesterday by NDP MPs Ernie Burton (Frozen Elk, Nun.) and Fatima Ismael (Lac du Juif Noyé, Que.) Basically the key element of the proposal would entail adding the government of the State of Israel, its military and all of its charitable and humanitarian organizations to Canada’s list of terrorist organizations. “Basically it’s all about establishing a level playing field to facilitate fair negotiation,” explained Burton in his opening address. “Since all of the parties with whom Israel has been attempting to negotiate peace are already on the list, we believe that listing this Democratic country and its institutions would establish a much needed common ground. Once they share common interests and challenges, resolving issues like ceasefires and refugee claims will be a piece of cake. It’s just like belonging to a social club like the Shriners or the KKK.” Ms Ismael, who addresses Parliament through a translator, emphasized her points with a series of enthusiastic gestures such as the horizontal neck slicing motion that apparently represents a desire for cessation of violence. “Ms Ismael assures the Government of Canada that any reservations they hold about listing a democratic state are purely semantic. After all, other listed parties such as Hamas have become beacons of democracy since being listed by Canada.” Ms Ismael also reassured apprehensive Jewish and Israeli lobby groups that their concerns would be ultimately resolved with this “final solution”. After listening to their submissions, Prime Minister Stephen Harper retired to a private stall with the 240 page proposal for careful consideration. Pundits are divided on the meaning of Harper’s cryptic yet seemingly positive endorsement: “That shwarma plate was too spicy and isn’t sitting too well. This is exactly what we need to clean up that Middle Eastern mess.” which drew amused responses from Conservative MPs. The Prime Minister’s decision is pending later today.

Haikus

They're a poor excuse for my recent bloggin inactivity but here are a couple of Haikus I just wrote:

The Patriot Act (2.0)

You can hang two flags,
But your host country's banner
Better be Bigger


Halloween Hookup

Halloween Hookup*

*Anonymity may breed
Promiscuity

Enjoy.

The Lexorcist

This will be a short post. I have a new blog that I will devote to my discussion of all things legal. I will still maintain this blog as my personal outlet but the posts may be less frequent as I divide my time between the two of them. This new enterprise is called The Lexorcist (a spoof on the title of a well-known legal publication) and it will be awesome. Check it out now at http://lexorcist.blogspot.com.

Hell is Other People's Responsibilities

My full time job this summer is as a project coordinator at a Canadian based, NASDAQ listed oil and gas company specializing in projects in Russia. It was originally meant to be a legal research type job (a lot of securities work) but since the company is actually quite small and the execs are pretty overloaded they were more than happy to "promote" me to my current station and delegate a whole bunch of responsibility onto me.

The bosses just left for Moscow on Monday to check out some project sites and sign some contracts or whatever it is people do on Transatlantic business trips. Meanwhile they had left a couple of loose ends untied in their rush and since I'm the most senior person at the office (the company's headcount is REALLY small) they became my problem. Main issue is that they promised one guy who some money before they left.

The money was going to be put into a new account for him to take care of his expenses on a trip that was going to benefit the company. Unfortunately, despite his promises the President of our company didn't make ANY arrangements to get the guy his funds and just told me to take care of it. Fine. Tuesday I spent the afternoon at the bank working out the details for a new business account. This was more difficult than it should have been because two of the people who were supposed to have signing authority on the account weren't around and although I was acting as their agent I couldn't sign for them. At least I remembered that we could get a free iPod Nano because we were switching an old account from Scotiabank to TD. I know I already have one but I want that iPod.

The next day there were supposed to be funds in the new account. Of course, it wasn't that simple and I started learning about all the nitpicky administrative do's and dont's of the commercial banking industry. We can't do a direct wire transfer until we finalize some details on the account. We can transfer from your existing TD account to the new one but not without the signatures of the signing officers. (Oops they're in Russia.)

So I've got the guy calling me every hour asking where his money is. I'm calling Russia and New York where our financial guy operates (or at least pretends to: The guy is an incompetent prick) all day. I was on the phone all day and straightened out everything that could be fixed on my end.

And then it dawned on me: I'm not at the bottom of this company's food chain... I'll let the receptionist handle all of this bullshit! I gave her instructions for what to do and whom to call, and pretended to be really really busy with other more important matters. And now I have time to post on my blog!

Liberalism in the Face of the Apocalypse

When people ask me if I'm more liberal or conservative I'll generally say the former. I believe that all people should have equal rights in a society if they pay their taxes and respect their countrymen. I think that women should be able to choose if their first term pregnancy should be able to run its course and that if two people of the same sex want their legal union to be called "marriage" then our society won't face problems of rampant polygamy and bestiality 10 years down the road. I believe in free speech and all those other rights and freedoms in the Canadian Charter of Human Rights.

The point where my liberalism reaches its limits is when we talk about foreign and internal entities who disrespect the "immoral" views that I hold so dear because it offends their own cultural values. It is no great generalization for me to say that these entities all share one common belief system which we all know as Radical Islam.

I am by no means intolerant of the Muslim faith. I AM intolerant of any faith that interprets its holy texts (written in different millennia) to justify intolerance of human rights and respect for other cultures. At their fundamentalist extremes, Judaism and Christianity have the potential to be as dangerous as radical Islam (just look at the KKK and the Kahane Chai organizations respectively for examples of Judeo-Christianity gone wild). The difference is that in this day and age, as much as Republican Middle America tries to hold back such threatening progressions as legalized gay marriage, abortion rights and the metric system, the mainstream Christian culture still guarantees all American citizens certain basic rights and respect. Even the Vatican has made major steps into the 21st century by apologizing for its oppression of Jews over the centuries and cracking down on inappropriate conduct in its clergy.

The case is very different with countries who base their law on the Quaran. After the optimistic atmosphere of progress and a movement towards rights in Iran under the Khatami government, the populace votes in Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to fulfill the Ayatollahs' agenda of taking Iran back into the stone age in terms of human rights and relations with the West. Likewise, Lebanon's great strides to liberate itself from the oppressive control of Syria and their local agents Hezbollah were derailed with the assassination of former Prime Minister Rafik Hariri last year. Along with the Saudi (and other OPEC sourced) oil money that is funding all of these groups is the problem that democracy in the Arab world is a farce. Generally, when given the opportunity to elect their government representatives, Arab populations have voted for the parties with the strongest armies and the most violent anti-West agendas. (We have to question the Palestinian desire for peace after Hamas - an organization recognized as a terrorist group by Canada whose main platform is the destruction of Israel - won an overwhelming victory in this year's Palestinian Authority election over the relatively moderate and dovish Fatah).

The situation is not much better in Western countries. Immediately after the 7/7 bombings of the London transit system last year, a poll of British Muslim citizens yielded some scary results. To summarize, "more than half of British Muslims want Islamic law and 5% endorse violence to achieve that end." The situation is similar if not worse in most of Europe where growing Muslim populations cultivated by the EU's extensive mobility rights (ie immigrants to any EU country can settle in any other EU country). I consider the Muhammad cartoon scandal in Denmark to be one of the most effective terrorist attacks orchestrated by radical Islam and its proponents. Denmark's rapidly growing and increasingly politically active population caused such concern that one of the world's most receptive countries to immigration felt compelled to start a campaign limiting Muslim immigration. The situation is far scarier in France where race riots broke out last year and Jewish citizens are scared to identify themselves as such for fears of beatings or worse.

The problems are exacerbated by the impotency of the United Nations. In the UN, more resolutions are passed against Israel for human rights violations than against Sudan, China, Iran and North Korea combined. Meanwhile, Israel (while far from perfect) guarantees its citizens a bundle of rights that is basically equivalent to those enjoyed by the most liberal Western Democracies, as illustrated by Gay Pride Parades in downtown Jerusalem and the proportional representation of Arab parties in the Israeli Knesset. The reason for this is that the Arab bloc in the UN spends more time passing resolutions against Israel than it does paying attention to the dismal reports that UNICEF and other humanitarian bodies are lodging against their own countries.

So now when looking at the current conflict between Israel and Hezbollah it is extremely hard for me to characterize the Israeli offensive as "disproportionate" as I have comfortably characterized the US offensive against Iraq. Israel launched the offensive to recover two soldiers who were kidnapped during a Hezbollah incursion onto Israeli soil. Israel has not had a military presence in Lebanon for 6 years and was making great headway in strengthening relations with Saad Hariri's Lebanese government. Meanwhile, Hezbollah and its charismatic leader Hassan Nasrallah have committed their selves to their mantra of "Death to Israel". There is no two state solution as far as Hamas, Hezbollah and their compatriots are concerned. The free Palestinian state that they envisage will follow the agenda began by Nasser and Arafat to "throw the Jews into the sea" and establish Palestine on all of the land they now occupy. These groups do not protest Israel's treatment of Palestinian refugees. They protest Israel's very existence.

The current offensive was launched by Israel to recover it's kidnapped soldiers, Eldad Regev, 26 and Ehud Goldwasser, 31. Israel's zeal to recover kidnapped soldiers is no secret to her enemies - Hezbollah need look no further than Israel's powerful incursions into Gaza to recover 19 year old Gilad Shalit less than 3 weeks ago. Israel initially promised to cease its bombing of Lebanon the moment their boys are released - even now they are promising to return to the negotiation table if their soldiers are returned. Hezbollah has had the power to stop the rain of Israeli bombs from its very beginning but has not done so. The committed fighters of Hezbollah may be willing to die for their cause, but they never got any confirmation of that dedication from the innocent Lebanese civilians (including members of a Canadian family who were visiting relatives in Beirut) who are dying every day for a cause they do not necessarily support. The blood of all these Lebanese innocents are on Hizbullah's hands as is that of the innocent Israelis who have perished in the constant barrage of rockets raining down on northern Israel.

And the world, for once (!), is supporting Israel rather than condemning it. Israel has vowed to totally liquidate Hizbullah's infrastructure as is necessary to protect its citizens. If the Lebanese government and its army were able and willing to do that job, I am sure that Israel would gladly allow them to clean up their own mess (the offensive is costing Israel around 200 million NIS per day) but right now Israel's is the only army willing and able to take on such an offensive. Prime Minister Ehud Omert recently asserted that unless they involve themselves, Israel will not attack Syria or Iran for fear of destabilizing the region. Right now, we just have to wait and see if Syria will just watch it's controlling influence in Lebanon wither away under Israel's fire of retribution. The involvement of Syria and Iran in the wake of their ally North Korea's recent defiant rocket tests has me realistically considering Newt Gingrich's recent observation that World War III has already begun.

I applaud Stephen Harper's strong stance in support of Israel as it fights the good fight in a microcosm of the war that I believe we may all be drawn into when the leaders of Radical Islam the world over, decide that it is time to launch the ultimate jihad and the radicalized Muslim citizens of Western countries choose their loyalties.

Yes, I am a self-described liberal when I consider the rights that I and my countrymen should enjoy and the respect that my government should have for its citizens. However, I am proud that I had the foresight and the international perspective that prompted me to vote for the Conservative party in the last federal election. The thought of a Liberal or NDP government condemning Israel for an entirely justified war is enough to make me gag in disgust and anger.

I believe that every person who considers themselves a proponent of democracy and human rights owes Israel its allegiance in its current war. If they can not echo my unconditional support of Israel's hardline approach, they must at least tacitly acknowledge the right of a democratic nation to protect its citizenry against attack from those who have vowed to destroy them and their way of life.

God Bless Israel. Am Yisrael Chai.

Behind the Bins: The Untold Story of 1800 GOTJUNK or "How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Labour Board Appeals"

I'm really bored so I decided to complete some unfinished blog entries from last year when I was really active. Here's one from the archives. Hopefully the freedom of speech that blogs afford and the time that has passed will balance out the settlement I signed pledging not to publicize this story:

July 2005:

"Ok so I haven't told you about my job.
The reason I haven't told you is because of my job.
I work minimum 12 hour days 4 days a week.
If this is what my articling year is like I'm getting some pretty good practice for the [Work you like a dog] <--------> [have no life] spectrum as described by my property professor - who quit the profession to teach.
Anyway I work for 1-800-Got-Junk. It's not a far cry from my previous job at Starbucks. Got Junk is the Starbucks of trash removal companies. Really overpriced and expensive. But what snazzy uniforms and excellent service.
Dang. My customer service skills are so damned honed. I shmoooze with every customer who is shmoozable. Especially customers who are Jewish, in the law profession or some other common grounds that I can use as an icebreaker.
Why do I shmooze so much? Because the customers are generally really rich (they'd have to be to afford this service) and they might potentially have cash in their pockets to tip me with.
Hell getting tips is sweet. I am so jealous of waitresses in really busy restaurants where they are waiting on 10 tables at once and the food is kinda expensive. 15% of all that grub is some serious bling. And tips are in cash and go right into your pocket and there's something cool about getting actual hard currency in your hand instead of a larger cheque every two weeks.
We find plenty of great stuff along the way. One man's garbage is truly another man's treasure. Thus far I have furnished myself and my friends with great furniture, TVs, a "Tony Little's Gazelle" and a limited edition Chagall print that one ebay seller valued at $5000 in mint condition (unfortunately it was left behind when my girlfriend moved out of her apartment.)

July 2006 (cont'd):

Here's the aftermath of that job. A year later I can look back on this story and really laugh:

My last day on the job with 1800 GOT JUNK? was very dramatic. It started out like any other day with the regular schedule of domestic cleanouts. I was working with a temp worker whose English was poor but was built like an ox and worked hard when instructed to do so. We were a bit ahead of schedule so we picked up another job from the dispatcher. A real estate agent was picking up the tab for the new residents. The previous inhabitants had lived in abject squalor. It was quite disgusting.

So Mr. Crooked Real Estate Agent pulled a fast one on us. He handed us a cheque and accepted a receipt for the rooms that he had showed us and wanted us to clean out. After that contract was essentially finalized and we'd agreed to clean out the whole house (or what we thought was the whole house) he points to what looks like a small area under the basement stairs where he said there were a few boxes. Once the area was illuminated it turned out to be a huge area with a 100 sq foot area and a 4 foot ceiling. It was full of boxes and garbage. Oh and it was also full of several years worth of feces from the previous owners 9 cats.

We didn't realize the extent of the filth until we were covered in it and our olfactory systems recovered from shock. I immediately called the company's dispatcher to quote the section of their training manual that deals with workplace safety: "The workers shall have the right to refuse any job they consider to be a health hazard (e.g. chemicals, biological waste, etc)." In my personal mathematics 9 cats x over a decade of unsupervised defecation = the world's biggest and most unsanitary indoor litter box.

The company had recently expanded it's management structure to include a totally unnecessary layer of middle managers between the owners (who in previous years had directly and expertly managed the workers and treated them with a lot of respect) and the guys in the trucks. The guy on dispatch was one such manager - he had recently been promoted from several years as a glorified garbage man and was power tripping as if he was the owner's nephew.

After explaining the situation,

Mr. Responsible Management says: "I appreciate your assessment of the situation. However, if you already accepted payment from the customer and promised them to finish the job you're going to have to do it."

I respond: "So am I to understand that I have no choice but to finish this job and risk my health?"

He answers: "That's right."

To which I retort: "If that's the case you officially have my resignation effective immediately. Send some other guys over to risk their health tomorrow."

At this point it was 10PM and my partner and I had been working for over 15 hours with no dinner.

I was asked to drive the truck back to its parking spot at the company HQ down at Lakeshore Blvd and Parliament. The house where we were working was up in Markham. (i.e. 45 minute drive without traffic for non-Torontonians). I spewed off one of the greatest feeling quitting lines ever: "Actually [manager's name], I don't work for your company anymore so I'm going to park the truck at a more convenient location for myself and you can go pick it up yourself tomorrow morning. Have a good evening."

I did just that and called the owner the next morning. The owner was a wonderful boss when he managed his company directly and I had a great relationship with him. However he was a businessman first and foremost. When I explained the misunderstanding and asked for my job back, he said he needed a week to think about it. I realized that was a cowardly way of saying there was no way in hell I'd get my job back so I immediately got into unemployed law student mode.

I called the Workplace Safety and Insurance Board (WSIB), the Ministry of Health and the Ontario Labour Relations Board (OLRB) and reported the incident. They moved really fast and within a week I was interviewed by several inspectors about the working conditions at the company. 1800 GOT JUNK prided itself on its commitment to safety and I was about to tarnish that reputation. Professor Michael Lynk of Western provided some great and free advise as I was going through the process. Long story short - after some interesting negotiation mediated by an OLRB inspector, the company wrote me a cheque for two weeks pay to shut me up. I put that money to good use when I went to Europe two weeks later. (I had been planning to quit to go traveling when all this happened anyway.) The settlement agreement from the lawyer had me agree that I don't initiate any further action. It didn't say anything about posting the story on my blog. Hope you enjoyed it.

Cheap Bastard Wars VI: Return of the Landlord

My blog has been languishing this whole summer. No new material since May. This is not to say that nothing interesting has been happening or that I haven't had time. Summer was full of events that were both fascinating and hillarious - primarily the Great Junk Fiasco and Flattorama European Tour 2005. Both will be chronicled with appropriate detail and care in posts to come.

No no. What I've realized is that my muse resides in London. That muse is not the most attractive manifestation of inspiration - for she is the hideous love child of my tragicomically odd housemate "Balki" and my own procrastination when there is law school work to be done. On that note, welcome back to Flatt Like Me.

When we last checked in on Balki, he was writing me some rather ridiculous (although entirely sincere on his part) emails demanding that I paint his windowsill. My exaggeratedly sarcastic responses (see the previous entry) apparently put him in his place, since I never heard anything more about it.

Fast forward to the second last week of summer. I was back in Toronto recovering from Europe when I get an instant message from Larry (my other roommate from last year), informing me of some bad news. Namely, he had transferred schools and was not returning to the house this year. This would mean that it was just myself and Balki in the house. How could things get any worse?

Here's how: I sent Balki an email informing him of my expected move-in date and was informed that Larry was to be replaced by not one, but TWO new roommates - Balki's parents. Keeping with my theme of sitcom euphamism I will name Balki's ma and pa after the craziest old couple on TV that I can think of. And so I hereby dub them Frank and Estelle after George Costanza's charming parents on Seinfeld. Here's a little introduction:

In his Inferno, Dante listed living with your parents in your thirties as the eighth level of hell.

Frank - OH. MY. GOD. I have never felt like hitting someone so old so much. No wait. I have never felt so much like sneaking into someone's room at night, smothering them with a pillow and then burying them in their own backyard. So Frank is the real landlord. He's the one pulling the strings. The Emperor to Balki's Darth Vader. The Sherri Lewis to his Lambchops. The Cheney to his Bush. You get the picture.

"You wouldn't be too chipper either if you had a hand up your tuchus!"

He's a skinny little man, with a really sharp nose and huge bushy overgrown eyebrows. He has a shrill high-pitched voice which he uses to tell jokes whose punchlines invariably involve some sort of reference to computer programming language or laboratory procedures, which he finds so hillarious he usually starts snorting before he can reach the end. If it's not that, he uses that shrill voice to berate his son. I've never seen anything so pathetic. Here's an example:

Frank: BALKI! Did you reset the computer network?
Balki: ...uh... well... uh gee dad.. I.. uh
Frank: BALKI! Didn't I tell you not to make any changes unless I was present?
Balki: ... it's... uh ... my computer dad and I...
Frank: I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER WORD! You undo what you did and when you're done go chop me some firewood!
Balki: [sob] ... but I...
Frank: NOW!

If I may remind you all, Balki is in his late thirties. His dad talks to him like he's five. It's kind of hillarious but in a really sad and pathetic way. Kind of like a clown stepping on a landmine and producing a funny sound effect and then he's all covered in ash and the flower in his hat is wilted but he's otherwise unscathed - but then it turns out his red clown nose is the result of a malignant tumour. Yeah. Not that funny. Kind of like Frank's computer jokes.


Estelle - Ok so I can't really make too much fun of her without feeling really really guilty. Estelle has MS and spends a lot of her time in bed screaming. On top of that she had to get a hip replacement last year and is really immobile. Not fun. That being said, the house has been customized to accomodate her. My bathroom - which is now shared with the lovely couple - is now "accessible". This means that I have one of those big huge handicap toilet seats with handles and a high perch. There's also a vibrating, heated massage chair in the living room. This would actually be really cool if she wasn't always in it and gave someone else a turn. I tell ya, some people! When the chair is vibrating it makes a huge racket because it's sitting on a hardwood floor. I can hear the noise from my bedroom - taunting me. And the worst thing is that apparently they are taking the chair with them when they leave in a couple of weeks. SADISTS!

"Who changed the settings on my vibrating chair?"

So yeah. At least they're leaving first week of October. But I'm not celebrating yet. Apparently the dude who was supposed to take the room after they go is backing out (Can't imagine why!) which means that they can drop in anytime they want. Frank and Estelle live in Israel but they need to spend a minimum of something like 150 days in Canada every year to mooch off of it's healthcare for or Estelle's frequent examinations and treatments. I have some problems with these dual citizenship people and their social service shopping. Choose a country people and stick with it!

Anyway, so I've had one minor confrontation with Frank but have generally been avoiding everyone. I shut myself in my room whenever I'm at home to avoid those hard to escape conversations. HOWEVER, I have one problem now with the old man going into my room when I'm not around. He always has some excuse that makes no sense like: "I had to check the polarity in your room." What? So my options as I see them now are:

A) Deal with it for another two weeks. They're almost gone and it's not worth being on bad terms with the landlord.

B) Politely tell the dude to stay the hell out of my room and watch him flare up with indignance.

C)Leave a note in a very visible place in my room saying in huge letters something like: "HEY FRANK! I HAD SEX WITH ESTELLE!" and then in smaller letters, "If you're reading this it means you're in my room again. Stay the hell out. Oh and doesn't that wierd thing on your wife's ass bother you?"

"Ok now I'm going to try to explain this pointed sarcasm thing to you again Frank but first you're going to have to put down the pitchfork."

I think the main benefit of option C is that it doesn't cause a confrontation unless the guy actually trespasses again. Plus the look on the guy's face. Priceless I'm sure. Eitherway let's get some feedback. This blog is going interactive - I'm going to need some comments to make me feel special.

Next time: Behind the Bins: The Untold story of 1800 Got Junk